Best I can do
by 711LuvsRanger
Summary: A little one shot about the true nature of the Stephanie/Ranger/Joe triangle. Not Babe or Cupcake. No hea. Just an exploration of an idea.


_AN: This is not terribly exciting or new, but I'm a little stuck on Epiphany and I'm trying to write more consistently and regularly. So this is where my muse led me… :) I'm totally a babe, honest! It's just I think this reflects an aspect of their characters that totally gels with the whole canon relationships mess. And it's totally all three of them, Morelli and Steph and Ranger are all at fault for it. Sorry, no hea here._

 _Not being paid for anything, but donations are welcome! :-)_

 **Best I can do**

"Steph, can I ask you something?"

I looked up at Connie from my magazine, a little surprised at her tone, it was really kind of tentative, like she wasn't sure of my reaction. "Sure Connie, what is it?"

"Well… I can't help wondering… What are you doing with Joe? I mean… you don't really seem happy, but you stay with him. And you don't seem to want to move ahead with him either. It's been like, three years?" I nodded. "Three years, and you still seem to be where you were when you first started working here and seeing him. It's like you're standing still."

I squirmed a little on the fake-leather sofa. Discussions about the future, especially about my romantic future made me really uncomfortable. Connie continued, "You know I love you, right? And I've got your back, no matter what. It's just… I've always kinda liked Joe. We were in the same year at school, with Val. Like most girls at school with him, I had a little crush on him back then. He never tried to come onto me like he did so many girls, I think he was afraid of my Family." I knew that came with a capital F. "But I used to wish he would. And now, well, he's such a decent guy. Despite _his_ family, he's grown up to be a good guy, mostly."

Connie twitched, and I could see this was really uncomfortable for her as well. As for me, I was starting to look at the door. And desperately hoping my phone would ring. Maybe Lula would arrive, even though she didn't come in on Saturdays. Even if Vinnie walked in. _Anything_.

"Steph, it just seems like, I know Joe wants a traditional kinda lifestyle, with the wife and kids. I mean, doesn't he? And if you don't… well, like I said, I wonder what you're doing with him." Connie shifted again, uncomfortably, "And then there's Ranger. I mean, _any girl_ would give their left tit to have Ranger want to kiss them and touch them like he does with you, but… where does that leave your relationship with Joe? How come you're playing around with both of them?"

I sighed deeply, realising there wasn't going to be an easy and convenient excuse walking through the door to avoid answering her. Serves me right for saying she could ask me a question! Mental note, next time someone asks me if they can ask me a question, say no!

I took a few minutes to really think about what Connie had asked me. But the truth was, I really didn't need to think about it too hard. After all, these were the questions that woke me up at night, when I couldn't force my brain into denial land. Honestly, I knew the answers, and they probably weren't what Connie wanted to hear. After all, I didn't like them either.

I decided to be honest but I wanted to clarify something first, "Connie, do you think Joe's a smart guy? I mean, a detective, he's approaching forty, so you know he's intelligent right?"

"I guess, sure."

"Well, that should tell you that Joe's not my puppet. He's a smart guy, really experienced, self-confident. He's travelled around the world with the Navy. His job is really challenging, he solves crimes, works undercover. Basically, he's independent and he knows what he's doing. So I'm not setting terms for our relationship. And I'm not in charge of it. Joe is an equal partner in whatever it is we have, however messed up it is."

I could see that Connie hadn't really considered that before. "As for me, well, I like to hope that I'm not as clueless or manipulative as so many people seem to think I am. Not with Joe, and certainly not with Ranger. I wouldn't dare try to manipulate Ranger. That would be a long walk off a short plank."

"I… I wasn't trying to say you were manipulating them Steph, honestly. Just wondering what was going on. Not to gossip, I promise! I'm just concerned for you, for all three of you. Like I said, you're one of my best friends, I like Joe, and obviously I like Ranger too. I guess I was just struggling to understand the dynamic between you three."

"Connie, I don't know if any of us understands the dynamic between us! It's a confused mess most of the time."

"Why?"

I thought, "Well… let's start with Joe. I'm sure he knows how to _get_ what he wants, but he seems to be as confused as me about _what_ he wants."

"What does that mean? Doesn't he want to get married, start a family?"

I shrugged, "I don't really know. Sometimes I think so, but then he's never really proposed to me. Not properly. Not with the ring, and the bended knee and the whole shebang. He's made two half-hearted kinda attempts to get me to agree to marriage, but he's never done it properly. As for kids, he seems like that's what he wants, but then he's getting older and he's not really pushing very hard for it. The closest he's ever come to a real discussion about it with me is he told me once that it scared him that I could probably be the mother of his children. Which wasn't the biggest vote of confidence in me, but he knows the thought of kids scares me stupid. Anyway, it's not like he's swapping my pills for tic-tacs or poking holes in his condoms."

"Why did everyone think you were engaged ages back, if he never proposed?"

"His mother and grandma Bella came to the door when he was trying to get me into bed. They pressured him with the Catholic guilt about having sex with me before marriage, so he told them that we were going to get married. But he never asked me, and to be honest, I'm not sure I would have said yes anyway."

"That was it? Seriously? That was the whole reason everyone thought you were getting married?"

"Well, my mom of course got wind of it and started running away with it. Booking halls and setting me up with appointments to try on dresses. It kinda all just snowballed and started to get outta control. I was letting my dumb mouth say things like I wanted a barbecue reception to avoid her booking the VFW. But that was the closest he ever got to a proposal back then."

"Wow. I can't believe that whole thing came from that. Just him trying to get rid of his mom and grandma to get you into bed. That kinda sucks."

"It felt like we were on a rollercoaster with no way off, I don't think either of us were ready for marriage, and it was all just crazy. It's pretty much why we broke up that time, it felt like the only way out of what had become someone else's plans for us. And since then, I think we've both been pretty gun-shy. Every time it starts to get too serious, either I find a silly reason to break up again, or he starts on at me about my job, or about Ranger, and he makes me want to leave. And, there we go again. Break up, make up… endless cycle."

"So what about Ranger? Is there anything there with him?"

"Ranger's an entirely different story. He's made veiled comments to me about a future, 'maybe someday'. But he also says lots of things that mean he can't commit to anything. Mostly I think he'd be happy just to have sex with me whenever he feels like it, but not be tied down. Whereas me…"

"What about you, Steph? Do you _want_ a future with Ranger?"

I looked at her miserably, and almost whispered, "Yeah. I think I do. If he asked, it would really confuse me because of Joe, but I think I would probably say yes. I figured out years ago that I was in love with him. When he walked in to get himself shot saving his daughter and me. Trouble was, I loved, _love_ Joe too. Sitting there in that nightmare, waiting for one of the men to walk through the door to die, I knew I loved them both, which is totally confusing. And I knew that Ranger wasn't going to offer me anything. At least not in the foreseeable future. I kinda think I figured out what Ranger was doing with _me_ after the fiasco in Hawaii."

"What do you mean? What happened in Hawaii?"

"Come on Connie, I know you and Lula figured out we were together over there. It was like… I called him over because I saw the Rug there at the airport, and he came for the apprehension, supposedly. But once we were there, staying in that luxury couples resort, living in the cabana with the spa and the private beach? Well, let's just say neither of us worked very hard at trying to snag the FTA." I shook my head at the memory, "It felt kinda like a honeymoon, you know? Like we were shutting the whole world out."

I sighed, "Then along came Joe crashing in, and the reality bitch-slapped me upside my head. They got into this massive brawl, I thought they were going to kill each other. It was scary. They seemed to want to really hurt each other. I only broke it up by tazing them both and driving them to the emergency room while they were out. Then I ran, got the first plane home."

I looked away, "But on the flight home, and for the next couple of weeks, I was just thinking, you know? Trying to figure out if I wanted to even try and fix my relationship mess with Joe. Wondering why Ranger didn't come after me, and try and recapture what we had back in Hawaii, why he'd even let me go back to Joe? We had something amazing, I'm sure he felt that in Hawaii just as much as me. So why didn't he want the same back in Trenton? And I think I figured out what Ranger's game is."

"What do you think it is?"

"Ranger only wants me when I'm with Joe. He feels _safe_ when I'm with Joe. Hawaii was a holiday, time away from real life, didn't count in the long term. When I'm with Joe here in Trenton, he thinks I'm not gonna want anything permanent with him, because Joe's there in the background, offering the stability and the permanent relationship. Or so he assumes, just like everyone else, he assumes Joe wants me permanently. So, when I'm with Joe, he can poach. He can pull me into the alley up against the wall and kiss me senseless…"

"I _knew_ that's what you guys were doing out there!" Connie smirked.

I rolled my eyes, "Yeah, yeah, amazing powers of deduction, Sherlock. So he can pull me into the alley. He can break into my apartment, corner me on the street, or entice me into his apartment. He can flirt with me, insinuate whatever he likes, and even have sex with me if I let him. When Joe's there in the background. He once told me that he'd respect my relationship with Joe if I told him it was permanent and exclusive. But he'd move in on me if he 'felt my barriers relax'. At the time, I took it to mean that he wanted me if Joe didn't, he'd step up if Joe was out of the picture. But now I know he meant that he'd only respect my relationship with Joe if I told him I was serious about it. If there was any chance to move in because my relationship with Joe allowed it, he would. Nobody seems to notice that he's not around nearly as much when Joe and I break up."

Connie frowned a little, listening to my explanation. "When I'm not with Joe, Ranger backs off. I figure he thinks the risk is too high. I'm too vulnerable, too open to the possibility of wanting more. Too likely to expect something more from him, because Joe's not there as the fall-back." I took a deep breath, "So the bottom line is, I figured out that I can only have Ranger, if I'm with Joe. He doesn't do relationships. The only relationship I can have with Ranger is by having one with both of them." I looked down as I finished the explanation, feeling the sadness these thoughts always made me feel.

Connie asked, a little horrified, "But what about Joe? I mean, don't you think that's unfair to him? To use him like that to have a relationship with Ranger? Even if what you're saying about Ranger is true, it doesn't seem fair to Joe to do that to him."

I looked back up, "Connie it's not that simple. Honestly, I love them both. They're both so different, but one isn't _better_ than the other. Like you said, Joe's a good guy. He's smart, handsome, affectionate. We share pretty much the same values. Our lifestyles are compatible, most of the time. We have a lot of history, and he's open with me about it. And the sex is amazing. But there are lots of times when he uses me as much as I use him. Times when all he wants is sex and maybe a pizza. Times when he says one thing then does something else. Times when he's a jerk, deliberately. Times when he pushes me away just as hard as I push him away."

I shook my head sadly, "Then Ranger… Ranger is like magic. He makes my heart beat faster just walking into a room. He's generous, caring, protective, crazy handsome. And in bed, well he's magic. There's no other way to describe it. But he also frustrates the hell out of me, he's so closed off emotionally, and I know so little about his past, about what made him into the man he is. And like I said, he's not about to offer me anything more that sex and friendship. He pushes me away whenever things get too real."

I leaned back into the sofa and closed my eyes, "I don't want to throw away what I have with Joe. Some days, I feel like he's exactly what I want, and I could want the whole thing with him, marriage, kids, the house, the dog. Then Ranger walks in, and my brain turns to mush again, because my heart gets all confused and divided again."

"And like I said, neither of them seems to want forever with me. Not Ranger, but not Joe either. Don't forget, _Joe_ was the one who suggested ages back that we could date other people. He was pushing that back before the Hawaii thing even happened. Made me wonder why he was so upset about me and Ranger, but I think it was just because it was _Ranger_ , you know? Both of them are running just as scared from any big future with me."

I looked back at Connie, "Am I really being so unfair to Joe? Or to Ranger? If one of them walked in here, right now, and said, 'Stephanie, Ranger/Joe can only be your friend from now on, I want you and only you, and I want you to want me and only me, for the rest of our lives'. If one of them did that, maybe it would simplify things for me. Maybe it would help me to see which one my heart wants more. But they're not doing that, are they? They both seem satisfied with what we have now. And as for me, well it's like the Stones say, 'you can't always get what you want', so sometimes you have to settle for what you can get." I smiled wryly.

Connie looked at me sympathetically, "But Steph, what happens two years from now? Or five years? If you keep going like this, you might end up never married, no kids, and still bouncing between the two of them, with no end in sight. Stuck in the same rut."

I nodded, "The way I see it is that it's gonna end up one of three ways. One, probably one of us eventually gets sick of the whole merry-go-round and it all falls apart. Kaboom. Probably a big blow up, big mess, I end up with neither of them. Probably not as friends or lovers. Because if it falls apart with Joe as things stand, I reckon that means it screws it up with Ranger too."

"Two, Joe decides he does want me permanently and exclusively, and we figure out a way to compromise on the hard stuff like kids and jobs. Plus he'd have to agree Ranger could be my friend, even if we weren't as close anymore. I tell Ranger no more than friends, and he either accepts that or he disappears out of my life completely."

"Or three, Ranger figures out his shit, sorts out his karma, and decides he wants a future with me. Then comes after me for it, and I end it with Joe. Dunno if I could stay friends with Joe in that case. Maybe, but probably not. He kinda hates Ranger just for being with me."

"Now, I'm not sure which is most likely of the three. Maybe the first one. The third one seems like a bit of a pipe dream, sadly. Meanwhile, I just stay with the status quo. If I want either of them, I have to hang in there until one of us breaks, either for good or bad. Doesn't mean I like it, but like I said, you take what you can get."

Connie shook her head, "It's all just a bit too much drama for me, and just a little bit too sad, Steph. I'm sorry."

I shrugged again, "I may not be completely happy Connie, but for right now, I think it's the best I can do." I looked back at my magazine to hide the tears welling in my eyes.

 _AN: Thoughts? Don't you think this could be a bit the way Ranger's attitude works? I know it's a bit depressing, but if you've read any of the recent books, I think it makes sense. I love reviews! :)_


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